When ducks starts to shoot...

So, I haven't posted anything for like, well, forever. I've been dying to, but every time I wrote a post I realized that my grammar sucks and I should correct it, so I put it off for later. Frankly later never comes and those posts age. On February 25 I started my first novel -like really started it. I decided that I won’t stop or edit it until the first draft is ready. It is a story I've been friends with for a long time. I made an outline and characters’ profiles a while ago. I had everything, so why not? Why sit in the dark scared that you are not good enough, wait for the moment when your writing is in its perfection? Perfection won’t come without few bruises and bumps. And anyway for me this story is about forcing myself to finish it. Since I do have some commitment issues and those who write novels know that that’s exactly what it is- a big commitment. 

This process is like falling in love (or at least that’s how I imagine it to be) and being in a strong relationship. It is a game of trust- you will have to trust your characters to reveal who they are, respect them by being there for them- drumming the keyboard every single day. It actually is so funny, because my characters started to live by themselves after only 5000 words. Is that’s why it is so worth it?

I got my first bump a week ago. My full time job had a tough week- long hours, stress and complications + no weekend off for 3 straight weeks. And I can go on with excuses like that. And all  week I just couldn't pull myself together, only got more angry with myself, others… and eventually everything. Yesterday I got kicked in the pants. Here's how that happened and I'm only telling this because it might work for others too.

I wanted to change my life rapidly and get myself into writing process 100% last October. Because life put me on the stand and asked me: "What the hell do YOU WANT FROM YOUR LIFE?" Yup, and don't get me wrong, she screamed. Accidentally I came across a book "Writing down your soul: How to Activate and Listen to the Extraordinary Voice Within" by Janet Conner. http://www.writingdownyoursoul.com This book is incredible in so many levels. The idea is to write a journal to "get in touch" with your inner voice. I started to write journal to work on my ability to write, fight some demons but most importantly to train myself of becoming a consistent writer. 

Every entry starts with: "Dear ... " And you fill in the blank. I used Journal as an address. Once even God, because I felt deeply spirited and guided. So last week I have been very unproductive and not a word have been written. In a burst of frustration I took my Journal and without thinking I wrote: "Dear ME! You haven't been writing so long!" In shock and in a funk I pulled my arm away. I had hit the nail straight on the head. SO, I ended up creating a dialog between me and the strong-deep-inside-me. Sounds schizophrenic but it worked. Suddenly I had to answer to myself. And I had no excuses or place to hide. My inside me new everything; it felt pointless to lie. I was naked in front of my biggest judge. 

Today I took my computer and instantly opened my usual articles on writing and started this blog. Well, it definitely kicked me back on track so maybe we should try the other way around? Who says we have to shoot ducks?